halflifehalflifehalflife by turquoise-truck
i want her to look me in the eye and say:
it’s okay if you don’t know what you believe,
because i am human and your father
is human, and
though you may breathe like the aspen and
sleep in snow caves
you are human as well.
humans make mistakes.
and one day i would like her to say:
fat god thin god, strike the veil
that i’ve never dared to question,
& see what comes shooting up
because i’m allergic to the forbidden fruit
but you can eat it, if that’s what you want
and for once,
i don’t want to be the only one apologizing.
i want to stand in a black and white room
on chess tiles as big as continents,
as big as the ideas i fight for,
and clash with her until we form
a pangea of understanding.
and i want her to take my hand and say:
i forgive you, for all the trains you crash
in my chest,
all the thoughtless scraps of metal you leave between my ribs, i forgive you, child,
because you are not the only scarred one, because
scholarto an education that inspires mescholar by InkatMidnight
to write in the dark-
you terrify me.
you teach wisdom-
i have none. i spurn companionship
for flattery, a misfit dragon hoarding
fool's gold and plastic compliments,
craving synthetic sweet talk.
you preach justice,
and i wallow in justification
of my excuses, sacrificing truth
to craft perfection by veiling my weakness
in a false, flickering image of meekness,
poverty, and submission.
i have forgotten how to rail.
if there were a gavel to silence the clamoring
of my self-acquittals,
i would be far too weak to sound it.
i am too tremulous,
too soft and unassuming to stand.
you demand a straight back and
a humble heart- here i am,
proudly examining the dents in my armor
and nursing the ragged smoking holes in my ego,
the flowing garment in which my god
has cloaked my soul- i bore holes
in my belt of righteousness
trying to constrict my potential
more tightly. maybe i'll fit.
maybe someday a smartly clothed man
will slip me nicely under his arm.
i will b
The Long Mirror, Vol 1I tried to write a note to myself in 1984, but I didn't listen.The Long Mirror, Vol 1 by Rashavarak
I was being defined, I was feeling crushing, freeing love, I was hearing music that wrapped part of my soul in that time, I was drowning in turpentine as I painted dreams.
I tried to tell me what I should do differently, but I couldn't be moved.
I fought back against the compromise I would see, I denied the sarcasm I would breathe, not me not me not me
I tried to change the me that was to the me I am now, but I just looked back at me and said
Finally, it occurred to me, that what I really wanted was for the now me to be that then me. Please take advantage of that one moment. Please say that one thing. Please take that hand.
Please dream harder.
I apologized to myself in 1984, and that me said, "I know."
I was in the library a couple days ago and I saw this book called Princess Academy. Yes, Princess Academy. And it was in the MS section, and those of you who know me know that I'm a total sucker for romance so I borrowed the book and the librarian just gave me this LOOK that was like "really? really."
Anyway, I'm home alone this weekend. Just me and the dog and the cat and the four tubs of ice cream in the fridge that will inevitably disappear by the time my parents come back. We also have a large jar of nutella and several boxes of macaroni. I'm glad that I swim, because otherwise I would be as close to Jabba the Hutt as any human could possibly be.
I've been really in and out of dA lately, not because I want to be but because I thought that IB was going to be like normal classes but I made some stupid choices to read instead of do my homework and look where that got me. (No, I still haven't learned to balance things.) Anyway, it's my last day of premium, so I want to thank ~Rashavarak because he hasn't given up on my art even though I haven't posted in forever and have probably lost most of my followers. I WANT TO DRAW. Just wait till October break. I promise.